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Universal Paperclips (Web): COMPLETED!

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It’s one of those clicker games, only this one plays out in several phases. First, there’s the Grow Your Paperclip Making Empire, then there’s Take Over The Earth With Paperclips, and finally, The Universe Needs Paperclips. They’re my names, by the way.

Across these three phases, instead of just one “currency”, there are a number that build up different things or make your production more effective. It adds a bit more to the proceedings than your usual clicker game, and in fact – relatively at least – there’s not actually that much clicking. It’s happier for the most part just idling while you click every so often to spend what you’ve earned.

I wouldn’t say I enjoyed it, but it’s worth a play through at least. Which you can do so here, for free.

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R-Type Dimensions (PS3): COMPLETED!

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Well that came out of nowhere and has now gone whence it came very soon afterwards.

R-Type Dimensions is one of this month’s PS+ titles, and since my daughter stole the Switch this evening I thought I’d have a look. And I looked, and played, and completed it.

It’s R-Type, as in, the original arcade game. Only you can press R1 and swap between original graphics and music, and new graphics (a new art type, if you will, oh ho ho ho) and music – much like how you can with the Monkey Island remaster and Wonderboy: The Dragon’s Trap. As it’s just the original game, it’s short and it’s impossible.

R-Type was always too hard for me to complete, but it’s one of a relatively small number of games in the genre that I enjoy. Thankfully, you get infinite lives here, and I needed over a hundred of them to complete the eight levels. It was fun. Some of the baddies are impossible to hit. And that’s that.

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Super Mario Odyssey (Switch): COMPLETED!

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This is a hard one. Well, not hard in that way (the game is easy – very easy), but hard in how I feel about it.

Unlike pretty much every Mario game ever, Super Mario Odyssey didn’t instantly grab me. Perhaps it was the terrible looking first “world”. Maybe it was the stark art style changes between worlds. I don’t know. Definitely, I started enjoying it in my first hour – but other games in the series I was hooked from the second the game started.

Now I’ve completed it, insofar as beaten Bowser and reached the credits, I can look back and see Odyssey is excellent. But not perfect. And certainly not the best Mario game. I’m feeling a lot like I did when I played Breath of the Wild, actually.

There’s just something missing. A spark of something. Something which Super Mario 64 and Super Mario Sunshine had which is missing here. Yes, I’m saying Super Mario Sunshine is better than Super Mario Odyssey. Super Mario 3D World is too. And so is New Super Mario Bros U, but 2D Mario games are a different beast.

On paper, it’s all there. Blue skies, great platforming, throwback references, varied levels, secrets, post-credits content, the very best controls – the lot. In my hands, it’s a bit flat, a bit off, a bit… wrong. But I can’t put my finger on it.

Remembering the few days I’ve been playing it, very few parts of the game stand out in the way I can fondly reminisce about the clock or the flying carpet or the Koopa race or the penguins or the wing hat or any one of a thousand other things from Mario 64. I know I’ve not played it as much as that game, but aside from the (spoiler) boss in the ruined castle, there hasn’t been anything that wowed me.

It’s probably me.

And it’s so easy. Really, really easy. Again, I’m aware the challenge of Mario games is mainly to get 100% and the straightforward route to the boss is not the hardest path, but I’ve picked up around half of the moons on each level so far and just one of them caused multiple deaths. It’s the easiest Mario game by a long way.

All that said, and I’m sure most people will disagree with my comments, but all that said, it’s a great game. One of the best. It really is. Nothing I can say can detract from that. I think I was just expecting Mario Odyssey to be a contender for the Best Game Ever Made, and in my eyes it isn’t even top 5 Best Mario Games (yet, at least). But that’s OK. It doesn’t have to be.

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80 Days (Mac): COMPLETED!

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This was a continuation of a playthrough, my first playthrough in fact, from several months ago that I forgot to continue. Previously on 80 Days, I’d managed to get a train into a dead end somewhere in the American east, and had to head north-west into Canada to find another route.

With some bad luck, I boarded an airship from New York that was heading for Reykjavik since the route to London direct was far too expensive and there wasn’t enough time to obtain the necessary funds. This airship was slow, however, and I had to ditch all our luggage to board – I was hoping this wasn’t an issue as we were nearly home!

Once in Reykjavik, there was another airship heading to London which I mistimed while unnecessarily (as it turned out) obtaining money from the bank, and so a later trip was taken. A three day journey on day 77 – would I make it?

Of course I would. Just!

(Oh, and you can view my journey on the inkle website, here)

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Stardew Valley (Switch)

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Sometimes, I regret buying Stardew Valley. There are many reasons why I might do this, from the fact I already own it (unplayed) on Steam to it being a long time since I got into a Harvest Moon game (which Stardew Valley ostensibly is). The main one? Time.

In the 14 days I have owned Stardew Valley, I have somehow racked up 45 hours of play. That’s over three hours a day. That sort of commitment isn’t sustainable, not least with Super Mario Odyssey due to materialise in a week’s time. Already, Fire Emblem Warriors, effectively best game ever candidate Hyrule Warriors in alternative trousers and nailed near the top of my Must Own list has evaporated. I’ve not even bothered to order it. Stardew Valley has pwned me.

How has it done this? Somehow, the tedium of the game is like heroin. Each in-game day is around 15 minutes long and mainly consists of these “fun” farm-based tasks: Harvest crops, plant seeds, water everything, collect eggs, milk cows, make mayonnaise and cheese, check my crab pots, recycle rubbish, check on mushroom farm, sell produce, scythe grass to make hay, chop down trees, wear high heels, suspenders and a bra. Then the next day, do it all again.

If I finish my main chores early enough, like if it rains so I don’t need to water anything, or I’ve nothing to harvest, I might do some tedious fishing. Or venture into the mines and do some tedious mining. Perhaps I might go and tediously gather some wild flowers, or perform some tedious fetch quests. Or I might tediously top up my stocks of iron or gold ore, or tediously make some more chests to tediously store my crap in. There’s a chance I’ll then tediously need to manage my chest inventories and ensure I’ve put all the same type of item in specific chests because sure – the game is tedious already why not OCD it up a notch and make it even more tedious? Repeat all this ad tedium.

If I’m unlucky, there’ll be a major village event which encroaches on my embedded timetable of tedium. I’ll have to give up a whole afternoon to talk to all the other residents about sodding easter eggs or jellyfish or god knows what when all I really want to do is plough through my daily checklist so I can spare the time to attempt another five level mine descent. And then apparently you can woo other folk and become their friends? Who the hell has time for that?

And don’t get me started on the horror of having to upgrade your tools. I can’t do without my watering can for two whole days! My crops will die, Clint. They’ll die. And it’ll be your fault because you’re a terrible blacksmith and anyway, Clint, Emily will never be interested in you with your sweat and awful facial hair and you can’t even man up and talk to her. Clint you loser.

The whole game is horrendous. Stardew Valley is no relaxing farm simulator, as you perhaps might suspect from a Harvest Moon clone. No, this is repetitive slave labour with time-based stress. Don’t have time to water everything? They die. Don’t time your crops to grow before the end of the season? They die. Forget it’s gone midnight and you’re not home yet? You collapse and Linus the Creepy Hobo robs you blind (and probably does worse while you’re unconscious). Stress! And the constant worry that anything you produce might be needed at some point in another season or by a villager so you can’t sell anything you don’t have multiples of. And what if I cut down too much grass and it doesn’t grow back and I haven’t enough hay over the winter and Buttercup dies? More stress.

Somehow, I’ve endured 45 hours of this. I’ve completed my first Stardew Valley year, and am about to hit my second summer. My farm consists of a badly constructed L-shaped “planting area”, a silo for hay, a barn with two cows and a coop with three chickens and a duck. I’ve a mushroom cave, trees producing various mucuses (mucii?), beehives, lightning rods, and large areas of wild grass for hay harvesting. My house has beer, pickle, cheese and mayonnaise making facilities and is rammed full of colour-coded chests. I’ve many planned goals for buildings and produce, and I hope to reach the bottom of the mine soon. I have the minecarts up and running, and have renovated three rooms in the Community Centre. I seem to be making progress, but I still feel like I’m treading water and actually not getting anywhere. Not only that, but I’m getting nowhere on other games too because Stardew Valley is spilling over.

And you know what? I’m loving it.

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